Tuesday, July 21, 2009

letting go and finding peace

we are in the final days of my daddy's life. if you are thinking how can you write on your blog at a time like this? well, i tell you this is my means of release, my means of communication, and a vital part of my survival at this time. i'm at home now. i slept here last night. i had been with dad for 30 hrs minus the couple of hours my friends took me away from reality. i love my friends. they provide me with care, encouragement, and understanding, and ears to listen to me and shoulders to cry on and arms to hug me.

my sister and i met with the VNA hospice nurse yesterday. when talking to the nurse, the tears came once more and i stand to get a tissue and i take the last one. i say, "i've used another box. i gotta find some more." i walk to the other side of the room and grab another box and i sit and we continue our conversation. hospice care at the hospital begins today and the plan is to move him home on friday. i don't know if he will live that long though.

so many emotions flood my soul. i remember sitting beside my sweet mama in her final days and singing to her. i sang to her every song i could think of: religious, childhood, but mostly Christmas carols----even though it was october it was okay because Christmas was always a special time for the family. i sang to my daddy some to. i sang softly and tenderly, jesus is calling.

you may ask how do you deal with this and say you couldn't do it. well, you can and you do. you have to. you just do. you depend on friends and family and kind nurses and doctors and love and prayers. getting a phone call, a text message, or an email, having friends let you escape reality for a couple of hours, crying, laughing, eating, sleeping, and showering at a childhood friend's house are all things that keep me going.

this is hard. i cry out in prayer for peace and rest for my daddy.

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