The pain of Alzheimer's and Cancer

It has been an icy day with lots of emotions flooding my heart.  It started with me watching Tim McGraw singing Glen Campbell's song, "I'm not gonna miss you," from the Oscars.  The song had just started playing and I started crying, not just a few tears, but sobs.  Michael asked, "Do you just want me to fast forward through this?" I said, "No, I want to hear this."  I had watched the debilitating disease of Alzheimer's steal my mom from me and my family.  Then 2 years later in July of '09 my dad died.  He had cancer but had survived that and lived for 90 years.  It's acceptable to hate when you hate diseases.  These 2 diseases have impacted my family and friends more than I care to count and it hurts.

On Sunday I heard my cousin had passed away on her birthday.  She was 62 years old; that isn't very old.  She leaves behind her husband, 2 sons, a daughter, and several grandchildren.  Her father died from cancer when she was a child and her mother died of cancer over 15 years ago.  Her stepfather had Alzheimer's and passed away in 2013.  Two of my friends lost their aunt to cancer this morning.  A picture on Facebook on Sunday from a teacher friend had me in tears because she is currently watching Alzheimer's take her mom.  The picture was so incredibly touching though.  Her husband had managed to get some recordings of her dad singing 70 years ago on her phone.  Her mom recognized his voice!!  I cry for all of them because I know their pain is devastating.

Memories cannot be taken from us though.  I write to keep some memories closer because I don't want to forget nor do I want the beauty of them to fade.  Writing can be very therapeutic also.  I fully understand that my writing is rather simplistic.  I do it for me though and maybe some words I write will touch you or make you smile or laugh.   I'm planning on writing more so join me on my journey wherever it leads.

                                         
                                        choose joy            
                                                          love more
                                             be kind

Remembering my mom

It's hard to believe it has been 2 years since I blogged.  Even harder to believe that February 15th would have been my mom's 90th birthday and that she has been gone for 7 1/3 years.  Time passes but I don't forget.  I remember the good times, the laughter, the joy, and all that she taught me but I also remember the pain and the loss that Alzheimer's caused.  It really was horrible and I can't remember without tears even now.  For today and yesterday I kept my thoughts on what her very last words were and that made me smile and even laugh.  You see the TV was on in her room and it happened to be on her favorite show, "The Price is Right" and she always wanted her family to be on the show.  She hadn't said anything for days, maybe weeks. My niece Shelly got to hear her Nana, my mom, say her last words which were, "Bob Barker".  This goes to show you that even if you don't think someone is hearing what is being said they are.  So if you are ever in a situation when you aren't sure if someone can hear you, talk to them.  Tell them your thoughts, feelings, prayers because they hear them.  What you say can give them peace and help them pass peacefully from this Earth to their Heavenly home.

I would like to think I inherited certain qualities my mom possessed.  I love to laugh and to bring laughter.  I think people should be treated equally and fairly.  I believe in the golden rule and that you should think about what you say before you say it.  Life is short; we should count each day as a gift and live each day to the fullest.  Life can be simple, too.
                                         
                                choose joy
                                     love more
                                         be kind


Those last 6 simple words say it all.......

Remembering my Mom

     I'll going to be painfully honest today.  October is really a difficult month for me.  In fact, I have cried many times this month.  Just typing this brings tears to my eyes.  I remember so much about my mom this month and I cry because she is gone and I think of the horrible debilitating disease, Alzheimer's, that took her from me three years ago.  It robbed her of her identity and her connection to family and friends..  So today I write about my mom.

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Mom and me in my Easter dress and bonnet on my slip and slide

My mom, Doris, was a very gentle person.  She had a very strong faith and was devoted to God, her family, and friends.  Growing up I can remember her reading the Bible each evening before bed.  I think some of my fondest memories with my mom involve the simplest things.  She took delight in the small things in life.  One thing I remember she taught me is to look at the cumulus clouds, but I liked to call them the big fluffy cotton candy clouds.  She showed me how you can look at them and imagine pictures of dogs, trees, mountains, dragons, and unicorns.  So if you have never taken the time to look at the clouds or you haven’t done so in a while, I encourage you to do so no matter what age you are because there is a special magic and peacefulness you feel when doing it.  I remember her teaching me how to go crawfishing.  For those of you that don’t know what a crayfish is—they are scary little crustaceans with beady little eyes and scary pinchers like lobsters.  We would go to the ditch in front of our house after a rain and we would see their piles of dirt around the hole to their house.  Mom would put some salt pork or a little raw bacon on a string with a little horseshoe nail for a weight and she would drop it into the hole just a little bit.  A crayfish just might slowly crawl to the top, grab the pork with their pinchers and then try to pull it back further into their hole, but then of course we would pull them out of the hole while they were still attached to the string.  I would usually scream and mom would tell me to be quiet and put the crayfish in the big bucket we had brought with us.  I might try to do it, but I couldn’t ever grab them though because I was terrified the pinchers would grab me.  So in the end it was always Mom who put them in the bucket.  We could do this for a long time and she would delight in how they scared me, but would still try to touch me with one.  I remember once it rained and rained and the pasture flooded and King’s Creek overflowed.  We took a long walk with our bucket and caught tons of crayfish-well maybe not tons but it looked like it to a little girl.  Now you may wonder what we did with all these crayfish.  Did we cook’em and eat’em?  Are you kidding?  Now maybe my dad and mom had eaten them at some point, but we never did.  We kept them in the bucket with some water and mud for a while and then we released them and the little creatures with their beady eyes and scary pinchers would scurry happily away.

     My mom will be remembered for her wonderful cooking, especially during the holidays when she welcomed family and friends in her home.  I will remember her teacakes, pecan pies, homemade biscuits and cinnamon rolls.  On some mornings, for no reason, she would make me the most wonderful melt in your mouth delight—chocolate gravy with biscuits and butter.  Mom had a system to her cleaning and cooking.  Every day of the week she had chores to do and she wouldn’t stop until they were finished.  We often teased her and told her that house was so clean we could eat off the floor.   When my dad was a route salesman for Coca-cola, he loved his pinto beans.  He said they were his “go” food.  So every Sunday, mom would start getting the beans ready.  She made a huge pot of beans.  I thought the beans were great on Monday, usually pretty good on Tuesday, but not so good on Wednesday or Thursday, but Dad had to have them every night except Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  This went on for years until my dad hurt his back and was no longer a route salesman for Coke.  After this, when she made pinto beans and cornbread, it was a treat we loved and they were delicious.  She would often send home a quart of pinto beans home with me cause Michael and I loved them so much.  Nobody made beans like my momma!

     My mom loved to laugh and I am thankful to have inherited this love of laughter from her.  She would say it’s better to laugh than cry.  She was also quite a trickster.  She would come up behind someone and touch the back of their knee and if they were relaxed this would cause them to almost fall to the ground.  Then she would just laugh and laugh.  She also would come up behind those she loved and give them donkey kicks.  A donkey kick is where you stand beside someone and lift your leg at the knee sideways and tap or sort of slap their bottom with your foot.  She had this down to a fine art.  Now I have done this to Michael , Jordan , and Sarah, but I have never achieved her level of proficiency.

     Mom truly had a grateful heart and she didn’t ask for much in return.  She would gladly help my sister or me when we needed help with any jobs.  She always told me, “If you can’t say something good, don’t say anything at all.”  I think these are important words to live by.  Nana loved her grandkids and they loved their “NANA”.  When Alzheimer’s took her from us, we wept and missed our mom and Nana and her devotion to us.


     When she first entered the nursing home's special care unit, she could have almost been put on the housecleaning staff.  If you gave her a cloth she would happily walk around and dust things.  She was also somewhat of a mother hen.  She gave great smiles and spread laughter with some of her antics.  She would often tell the staff how pretty or beautiful they were while gently touching their faces.  She would also tell them how sweet they were.  One of the nurses told me Mom would come up behind them and give them a little “pop” on the bottom and then run away laughing before they could see who had done it.  Mom even started to dance around when they had music or when I played “heart and soul” on the piano.  She got lots of exercise walking the unit and going outdoors with her family.  She was also well known for her bicycling exercise.  She would plop down on a chair, bed, or sofa and start doing her exercise with her legs moving back and forth as if she were on her bike.   It was always wonderful when she would remember and say, “Ray or Raymond, Linda, or Tammie” In the beginning she would get angry if we asked her if Dad was an old goat.  She would say, “He’s not an old goat, he’s my sweetheart” One of the funniest things mom said while in the nursing home happened about a year before she passed away.  Mom was confined to a wheelchair at this point and she had been to lunch or just out and about and Shelly S., a family friend, who works as a social worker at E. Care Center,  was pushing her back to her room.  Another patient was wheeling herself down the hall in her wheelchair and she was complaining and griping, which is something she did on a regular basis.  At one time this lady had been mom’s roommate but then she had been placed in a private room—(thankfully, I might add!)  Mom hadn’t spoken in a while except for an occasional word or phrase.  Mom looked at her and said, “Will you be quiet?  I’ve had just about enough of you!!”  So you can see mom could still be a little feisty!!!

  

     Alzheimer's was never able to take my mom’s sweet spirit and warm beautiful smile.  She’s not suffering today, and I can see her up in heaven maybe even dancing a little, but whatever she’s doing, she has a big beautiful smile on her face.

      Take action against Alzheimer's by clicking here.  If you know someone that has Alzheimer's, visit and talk to them.  You never know what words might trigger memories for them.  Support other family members and friends that have relatives with this disease.  If you are interested in donating to the Memory Walk, I have a very dear student that I had in my 2nd grade class about 12 years ago that is participating in the walk.

From the Alzheimer's Association:

"Memory Walk is the nation's largest event to raise awareness and funds for Alzheimer care, support and research. Since 1989, Memory Walk has raised more than $300 million for the cause.  All Memory Walk donations benefit the Alzheimer's Association, the leading voluntary health organization in Alzheimer care, support and research. The mission of the Alzheimer's Association is to eliminate Alzheimer's disease through the advancement of research; to provide and enhance care and support for all affected; and to reduce the risk of dementia through the promotion of brain health."

Saying Good-bye when you leave your kids at college

David and Val and Rylea are in North Carolina getting Tanner settled at UNC at Wilmington. I know the trip home will be a long one with lots of tears. I know how they feel. I've been through it twice and it's not easy. All those parenting books and watching your kids grow and change cannot prepare you for this adequately. The 18 years have come and gone too quickly and it's not time to say good-bye yet. That last hug before they come home will be long and filled with love, care, and concern for each other. It's an important hug cause it will have to last until August when Tanner gets to come home before beginning the Fall semester.

I've told Val I still cry leaving my kids and they are 26 and 23 years old. You could say it's hormones, but I say, "NO to that!" It's love and leaving your children behind. It's never easy telling them good-bye and wondering when you will see them next. So, Val and David and Rylea, my heart goes out to you and if I were there with you I'd be crying too. I know if I talk to you after you leave I'll start crying, but that's okay. I cry because I care and understand and love you all. Our children grow up, but they will always be our babies and no matter how old they are we will always worry and miss them and wonder when we will get our next hug.

If roses grow in Heaven

This is my 3rd Mother's Day without my mom. For my husband it's been much longer, I think about 24 years. I can't say much cause it makes me cry. I found this poem and thought it was appropriate. To our moms, we love and miss you!

If roses grow in Heaven, Lord

Please pick a bunch for me.

Place them in my Mother's arms

and tell her they're from me.

Tell her I love her and miss her,

and when she turns to smile,

place a kiss upon her cheek

and hold her for a while.

Because remembering her is easy,

I do it everyday,

but there is an ache within my heart

That will never go away.

author unknown

Snow Angels and Snow Ice Cream--Special things my mom taught me with lots of love

Today I write in memory of my mom who was born on Feb. 15, 1925. Growing up I was surrounded with love and encouragement. I remember so many things I did growing up. Two things my mom taught me were making snow angels and snow ice cream. Due to our bountiful snowfall, I was able to do both this weekend. I think my mom is watching over me and I'm remembering her as my special Valentine since she was born the day after Valentine's Day.

Mom and her baby sister Lottie Bell

Good times. Lots of love and laughter. My mom taught me how to treat people, how to cook and clean and a multitude more life lessons. I don't do things as good as my mom, but I try. I strive to be a better person because I know what she expected of me. She expected me to "straighten up and fly right".

Thoughts and memories from the past decade.....

Wow!! It's a new decade. What will the next ten years hold for my family???? Reflecting on the past first is important though. So many good things happened but far too many sad events that still bring me to tears. I'll try hard to not be too sad though.

Several great nieces and nephews were born during this decade: Riley, Ashley, William, Christian, Joshua, Cameron, and Landon. It's always a special day when a new life begins. Oh how I love to hold and cuddle newborns. I love the fresh baby smell, new baby coos, and the joy I see in the parents' eyes.


In 2001 Sarah was a freshman at high school. She was a drill team member and Jordan was a senior and a drummer in the band. We have so many memories of watching them perform. I didn't go to the football games to watch football; I went to see my kids perform.


My sweet mom had to enter a nursing home due to Alzheimer's. The sadness this brought was immeasurable. I went to work the day after she entered, but couldn't work because I could not stop crying and worrying. Her Alzheimer's was too progressed though and she had to be transferred to a nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit. She was happy and when I visited I would play "heart and soul" on the piano and mom would smile and dance. She was quite a character and the nurses and staff loved my mom.


Jordan graduated from high school in 2002. This was another emotional time for me. My first born would be leaving home and going to college in another state. We celebrated his graduation with family and friends at our house. Let me just say the hours before graduation were rather emotional, but when I got to the actual ceremony I was fine and dandy. My friends helped me get everything ready for the after graduation party. I couldn't have done it without them.


Jordan left in August 2002 to begin his freshman year at Oklahoma State University. He was a Chemical Engineering major and was very active in BCM. Between his junior and senior year, he decided to intern at Delphi and this took him to Tulsa for a year. He lived by himself for the first time. He met a special girl who would become his wife.


Sarah graduated from high school in 2005. It was another special time for our family. She was going to Texas Tech as a pre-nursing major. We celebrated with family and friends with a graduation party and once more my friends helped me prepare for the event. It was one of those sad/happy times. I remember leaving her in front of her dorm crying after having a family hug of tears. I would cry for a while on the long trip home and then stop and moments later cry once more and hubby would pat my hand.


In Dec. 06 Jordan accepted a job with Exxon. This made me happy because he wouldn't be moving to Wisconsin!! Not that Wisconsin would have been bad, it was just the thought of him being soooo very far from home. On Jordan's spring break in 2007, he looked for apts in League City and he and Kristeen looked for a puppy to adopt. He found Ellie and sent me a picture of her on my cellphone. Jordan graduated from OSU in May '07. He proposed to Kristeen a few days after graduation. He had asked for my opinion on what ring he should buy. That was pretty special!!! They planned a December wedding.


My girlfriends and I began talking girl trips. The first one was to New Braunfels in 2007. We had two nights and 3 days of lots of laughter and fun. I would laugh until my sides would ache.


Sarah was accepted into nursing school at Texas Tech Health Science Center. This made us all very happy. During college she worked as a lifeguard at the YMCA and during nursing school started working on the pediatric floor at Covenant Hospital.


Between '06 and '07 Mom's health deterioated and she passed away on Oct. 12, 2007. It was a sad sad time, but it brought peace as I felt I had lost my mom years before her actual passing. Living with a parent with Alzheimer's was the most difficult journey of my life.


On December 29, 2007 Jordan and Kristeen were married in Tulsa. It was a very special day as I watched my son see his bride for the first time. The wedding ceremony was beautiful and touching. I had a handsome son and husband, and beautiful daughter and new daughter. I reflected on how quickly this time had come. It seemed as though it hadn't been that long since we brought Jordan home from the hospital and he had played T-ball.


We had a 2nd girls' trip in June of '08 to Galveston. It was once again a great time and my sides hurt even more from laughter. We played games and I didn't like playing Sequence because it was very frustrating when I became stuck on one level.


Sarah graduated from nursing school in May '09. She accepted the job she had wanted at Children's Medical, working on the oncology/hematology floor. Another joyful family moment. Somehow we managed to pack everything in her car, our car, Bill's truck, and finally calling her friend to bring several things back home. She went on a graduation cruise and then began her job in June.


Hubby and I celebrated our anniversary early with a weeklong trip to Seattle and several nights in Olympic National Park. We also visited Port Townsend. Hubby plans wonderful vacations and I loved it all. Washington is a beautiful state and I want to go back when I go on an Alaskan cruise. (hint hint)


My dad was admitted to the hospital on July 8th, 2009. The doctor told us it didn't look good and we called family members to say their good-byes. We thought he was getting better though and we even talked to someone at a long term rehab hospital, but sadly he passed away on July 21st. Dad was 90 years old. Now hubby and I had no living parents. Our children have no grandparents.


The girls' trip this year was going to be for a whole week, but my dear friends cancelled it when my dad became ill. We had a shortened trip to Fredericksburg. We laughed until we cried once more.


Hubby and I celebrated our 30th anniversary on Aug. 18th. He surprised with a short trip to Arkansas and we had a wonderful time.


I'm missing details of many family vacations, but I know we vacationed nearly every year and our family vacations usually involved watching at least one baseball game. We are a BASEBALL family. Minor league. Major league. It didn't matter. Some of the trips we took in the past decade were to Washington D.C., Baltimore, Kansas City and St. Louis, Albuquerque, Durango, Corpus Christi, and San Antonio. We had many road trips to see the kids at college or get them settled into new living spaces.


We celebrated our family Christmas in Baton Rouge on Dec. 27th. Once more we were all together and it was great. I love my family. I look forward to the next ten years and wonder what special times the future holds.

Christmas Eve and Love You Forever

Post #2
It's just hubby and me at home right now. Sarah is working and Jordan is in Tulsa with his wife and in-laws. We trade out Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. As the song "Let it snow" says, "The weather outside is frightful. We were on our way to our family Christmas and we saw several wrecks and a car turned sideways on the bridge right in front of us and then it couldn't get traction to go any further. This was around 5 pm and I wasn't feeling too secure in driving another 45 minutes in the blowing snow and blistery wind. Soooooo I told hubby we should turn around and go home. He was so sweet and said we could keep going. We did drive further, but the roads and traffic were getting worse. In the meantime I was worrying about Sarah getting to the hospital so I called my niece, Shelly, and told her we weren't going to make it because of the weather and road condtions and she started crying. I was getting teary too, but I thought I can't start crying too much cause I will make her cry more. You see we were already going to be missing my kids at our Christmas Eve celebration. This is our first Christmas without my dad and her papa and the 2nd Christmas without my mom and her nana. I remember every year dad would have some excuse for not going to Shelly's and usually it would involve the weather. Dad would say, "I'm not getting out cause it's going to be too cold" or "If it's raining, I can't go cause the roads will be bad" or "I'm too old to get out at night". This would start weeks before Christmas. I would tell him "Daddy, you are going to Shelly's" I would also tell him, "Don't worry about it right now. Let's just wait and see what the weather is doing and I can always come by and pick you up." I think now that maybe he just needed us to tell him that we needed him to be there to celebrate Christmas with us.

Thinking about this and not being able to go to our family Christmas causes tears to slowly fall down my cheeks. I was also watching a dreaded Lifetime movie called "The Christmas Hope" and there was a scene with a woman reading Robert Munsch's book, "Love You Forever". I immediately told hubby, "Oh this is a great book but it's so sad." I was telling him how we used it at our Mother's Day celebration with our first graders and their moms and there wouldn't be a dry eye in the room as each child read an excerpt from the book. I was also thinking of my mom and singing to her in October 2007 every Christmas song I could think of.
If you haven't read this book, you need to. It's a winner and a definite keeper. The pictures make the story better but I'm sure you can understand why the tears fall when listening once more to this story.

Love You Forever

by Robert Munsch

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!"

But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was nine years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo!

But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.

When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

After the woman finished reading the story in the movie and was crying, sweet hubby made me laugh when he said, "Do you want to call Jordan and sing to him?" So sweet Jordie and Sarah,
I sing to you this Christmas Eve on my blog,

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be"

To my Shelly,
I love you and miss you and hope to see you soon. As I have told myself many times this year, knowing my kids wouldn't be home to celebrate Christmas on the 24th and 25th, that Christmas doesn't have to be a certain day--it can be whenever you're with your family. Merry Christmas!!

My mom and dad and my kids

I was born 14 years after my sister. I'm not sure and never asked why the big gap between us? I often wondered--conception problems? no sex? was i an accident? i know i was supposed to be a boy though and my dad lost a bet.

I think my dad looks like a gangster in this picture. Look at those ears!!

Sister and mom have some tight curls in this picture!!


I am so thankful my kids have wonderful memories of times with their Nana and Papa. They were not fortunate enough to know hubby's parents. Grandparents play such an important part in a child life. Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I can only remember my mom's mom, Mama Nix. I only remember her as being old. She lived with us for a while, but I have no memories of staying at her house, playing games, or just spending time together and that makes me sad. My sister does though and she has told me stories.

When Jordan and Sarah were younger, they spent lots of time with their grandparents. They spent the night, played Sorry, Wheel of Fortune, and Hide and Seek. Nana cooked whatever they wanted. We went on several vacations together and one of our favorite places to go was Silver Dollar City.

Jordan and Sarah entertaining Nana and Papa

My babies

i love them so. i remember so many things when they were little. they were such cutie pies and stinkers at the same time. i remember when jordan was attached to a tube of toothpaste and had to carry it everywhere, including a wedding reception!! he also had an imaginary friend named olivia; she was very mischievous and was blamed for many of jordan's antics. sarah was my dancer, my gymnast. she informed her nana once that she couldn't be an angel like nana had told her she was because she didn't have wings. i hold the memories we have close to my heart and i look forward to making many more.

See Jordan and Sarah--you were sweet to each other. Despite living hours apart, stay in touch because you need each other.

a true empty nest

well, it is official. my baby girl flew the coop. she moved into her apartment last thurs. after graduating from tech in may. it was somewhat bittersweet. on one hand i was happy, she was moving closer to work and would have more activities near her. on the other hand, my house will be with a child except for occasional visits.

in fact this christmas, sarah will be working and jordan will be here at thanksgiving, but not christmas. i'm already thinking about being sad and that's not good. i do keep telling myself, christmas doesn't have to be a particular day; it's when you and your family can be together. repeat to self and hubby-christmas doesn't have to be celebrated on a particular day; it's when you and your family can be together. i know it will be okay, but for the first time in 26 years we will not be together on Dec. 24th and 25th. The first time I won't be videotaping the kids opening their gifts and their stockings. Traditions. The big breakfast, watching movies, playing games, eating more food, relaxing around the house in our pj's all day if we want. the plan now is to get together with jordan and kristeen after christmas at their house and hopefully sarah will have time off to join us or else we won't all be together at all for the holidays.

back to sarah's move. she used moveforfree.com and it was great. they helped her find the apartment and she used them on her referral on the apt. application and they moved all her furniture and 10 boxes. this was the easiest move we have had. she just had to pay $10 for mileage and then the tip she gave them. i went to her apartment on thurs. after school and helped her some. we put her bed together but were missing a piece so we couldn't complete the job. saturday she called me when she woke up after her friday nite shift and we went to ikea and found barstools and some other assorted household items. here's what i put together:

Happy 30th Anniversary Hubby!!

a letter to my husband:

Dear hubby,
30 years ago today i married you. we were young and in love. now we are older, but still in love. we have had our good times and some bad, but we have stood together. thank you for being strong when i was weak. thank you for walking beside me and not in front. you laugh with me and wipe my tears and tell me i will be okay. you have put up with my impulsiveness, my craziness, and my moods for 30 years. for that alone you deserve an award.

you have been there for me in very difficult situations like when my parents were sick. you came and sat beside me with my dad. you could talk to him when i was crying by the window. i admire your strength and your concern for others. i love that you can get tears in eyes with me, but continue to be strong for me.

i like to lie in the bed with you. i love to cuddle. i love our children and our dogs and our grand puppy. i can't wait until we have grandbabies.

i'm glad you like bonnie hunt. i wish we could be on her show together. i love to watch her show with you after work. it's okay that you love her as long as you love me more.

let's stay married another 30 years!!


love,
your wifey

Memories of my Dad

The past two weeks have been a very difficult time for our family. Thankfully we were not alone. We had each other, friends, other relatives, and neighbors who kept us going. We also had some very caring people at Presbyterian Hospital that cared for daddy. It was also there we met Bro. Harry Smith who visited and prayed with the family many times. Do not ever underestimate the power of a pat on the back, a hug, a phone call, a text message, email, or a meal and even a place to sleep and rest and what all of these things did for us.

My dad was 90 years old. We celebrated his birthday on Nov. 16th with family and friends. We felt very strongly about celebrating this birthday. After all, it’s not everyday you turn 90 years young, but we knew he would not be a willing participant. Dad never wanted anyone to go to any trouble for him. I didn’t even talk to him about it. Instead Shelly told her PawPaw we wanted to do something for his birthday. Of course he said, “NO”; he didn’t need or want anything. He had us and that’s all he needed. He finally agreed that we could meet at McDonald’s in Ennis because that was between my house and his. Why McDonald’s you might ask? Well, he wouldn’t want to put anybody out with some place nice and he currently liked the food there. We decided on a time and it was all set. Except I guess we should have told him he was leaving at a later time because he thinks he has to leave very early to get places on time and you can never be late. Linda was waiting for my call to say it was ok to come since we had rented a room in town to have the party. It got to be later than the designated time and dad decided he just wouldn’t go if I didn’t call soon cause it was getting too late. We finally got the room situated and guests had arrived so I gave my sister the A-ok to leave. However, when they arrived my dad wouldn’t get out of the car because he was meeting me at McDonald’s and this was not McDonald’s. Finally, I get him to come inside and he is surprised and happy to see his family and friends, including some that he had not seen in years. After the party, he still had to have his McDonald’s.

I remember Dad always working and doing something around the house. He didn’t rest much except when it was time to go to bed. After I was married, I had to be careful about what I asked him about because he would be up and doing, trying to fix whatever was wrong. He was a fixer!! He never wanted anyone doing something for him but he always wanted to do for others. We always said he would give you the shirt off his back if it would help you.

He loved his family. Life wasn’t easy for him growing up and his dad had died when he was young. It used to be difficult for him to say, “I love you” but I can remember when this all changed. I was in high school and in a church choir. We were performing at the high school auditorium and the choir director asked me to say a few words after a song. I said “ok” but inside I was panicking. I thought what in the world can I say. I don’t want to talk in front of all these people. When it was my time to speak, I walked up and just started talking----no words written down and nothing really planned. I talked from my heart and said you know sometimes we are nice to our friends and others we encounter each day, but often we don’t treat the ones we are closest to the way we should. In fact, we aren’t always even nice to them. So I said, Mom and Dad, I want you to know I love you. Then I was done. It was over. I didn’t think much about it, but my dad came up with tears in his eyes and told me he loved me too. From then on, I became his angel with horns!! This simple action changed us. When talking to him on the phone or when leaving him after a visit, I would often say, “I love you” and then he would say “I love you too”. Over the course of his hospital visit, I heard my sister and his dear grandchildren tell him many times, “I love you.” “PawPaw, I love you.” We shared with him good stories and times.

A visit from Dad's nephew, Ricky and his wife Becky provided us with more laughter and joy in our pain and sorrow as he had us laughing until we had tears in our eyes. When Ricky was growing up, he spent many days and even weeks with our family and believe me when Ricky was at our house there was never a dull moment. My dad had a special relationship with Ricky and many of his nephews and nieces they viewed him as a father or grandfather figure.

Last week Dad was still telling us about the beginning of the Coca-cola Bottling Company in Dallas. I honestly can’t tell you how many times I heard this story. He found it hard to believe that Coke had started with only two employees and $5000. He was even telling one of his doctors this story. He worked 43 years for them. He loved his job. He loved working and he was good at what he did. Days missed at work were few and he was a dedicated worker and worked tirelessly. As a young child, I can remember him winning contests for selling or leasing Coke machines to businesses. His job was not an easy one. He delivered cases of Coke all over the Dallas area and he did so with a smile on his face and joy in his heart. Dad epitomized proper customer service. His smile and baby blue eyes would melt your heart. He was the company’s #1 fan.

Dad’s sometimes rough exterior hid a heart of gold. Despite his heart of gold, he could be a stubborn old goat. In fact on his 80th birthday cake, I put Happy 80th birthday you old goat. When he saw it, he smiled and laughed.

When dad wanted something done he wanted it done then and my sweet sister often dealt with his impatience and stubbornness. Dad was not a complainer. He could feel bad and never tell you. We often would have to go by the way he looked or sometimes his actions because we all know our actions speak louder than words. He never wanted us to buy him anything. He had all he needed--a family that loved him. It was okay for him to do for us though. Dad delighted in his family and often proudly told stories about them. We always said he never met a stranger. Dad would talk to anybody that would listen and as my mama would often say, “He could talk the hind legs off a billy goat.”


I remember many vacations with Dad to visit family. One thing about Dad is he didn’t linger long in one place. Once he got there and visited, he was ready to get back to his home, his safe haven, because there was always work to be done. I can remember one vacation going to Indiana to visit one of mom’s cousins. We went through eight states in 4 days. We didn’t stop and do anything anywhere. After all, our trip was to visit the relatives. Once we did that, the mission was accomplished and it was time to go back home. I remember on our final night, momma begging him to please let us stop at a motel with a swimming pool so I could swim.

However, Dad became a push over with his grandkids and great grandkids. He watched them as they grew and he was able to relax more. Many a night was spent at Paw Paw’s and Nana’s house and according to them, “The kids could do no wrong” Dad loved to give pony rides to Sarah and Jordan and he played many a game of Sorry and Wheel of Fortune with them. Sarah was Vanna White and I don’t know, but maybe Jordan was Pat Sajak. They were also always playing “Hide and seek” and mom and dad would delight in scaring them before they were found by yelling, “Boo”. Sometimes they would just hide around a corner and scare us as we walked by.


Shelly, Chad, and Brandon would ride the bus to their Nana and Paw Paw’s house after school and their Nana always had a meal prepared for them. Many times I think they had pinto beans which was always a family favorite. No one has ever cooked pinto beans as good as my mom. After dinner there would always be a dessert and it was then the prankster came out in their PawPaw. He would always hide their bowls of ice cream when they stepped away from the table. Shelly remembers him singing “I scream, you scream we all scream for ice cream”. Keith and I remember making homemade peppermint ice cream with an old hand turned ice cream freezer. I got tired of turning that crank, but daddy would always finish it up as it became more difficult to turn. For some reason, PawPaw would have Keith sit on the ice cream freezer and Keith remembers freezing his backside off sitting there.


Even the very youngest great grandchild, Landon, was a bit of a prankster like his pawpaw. When his Paw Paw would go to the kitchen to eat, Landon would take his favorite chair and tell his papa, “I’m getting your chair PawPaw!” When PawPaw was finished eating he would say, “You better get out of chair or I’ll get the fly swatter!”


PawPaw would make his grandkids laugh when he would say, “I bet I can do something you can’t do!” and they would say, “What pawpaw?” Then he would take out his teeth and say can you do this? Then he would ask, “Will you hold these for me?”

Michael, Jordan, Sarah, and I went on several great vacations with Mama and Daddy. One destination we have wonderful memories of is to Branson, MI where we visited Silver Dollar City and stayed at a motel that had a water slide. Good times. Fun times.

I take joy in telling these stories because these are memories we hold in our hearts and this is what our daddy and Paw Paw would have wanted us to do. He is at peace and he would say to us, “Don’t cry for me. I’m with your mama, your Nana and I’m okay and you should be too.” We will forever remember our good times with our sweet daddy and PawPaw and the lessons on living he taught us.

My kids have found their wings

I was flooded with emotion while watching this video.




It brought back so many memories of my children. It's hard to believe so many years have passed since I had moments like some of the ones shown in the video. I have several friends that have grown up children and I have one friend that is already beginning to struggle thinking about what this next school year will bring as her son graduates from high school and then leaves home for college. I also have some friends/relatives that have either babies, toddlers, or school age children. My dear niece has one child beginning 1st grade and the other 4th grade. These boys can't be that old already!! One friend has a daughter beginning kindergarten. How can this be? It seems like she was just born a few days ago. We blink our eyes and they change.

It's hard, so very hard to watch our babies grow up. I know cause I still struggle with it. I started crying on Sunday when we were leaving Jordan and Kristeen's house after spending several days with them. I thought at first I could control it. I wiped a few tears and thought I can do this. No one has to know. I put on my sunglasses and went to the restroom to blot my eyes, but then I sobbed and I think they heard me. I came out and sat down and the tears were flowing freely. I couldn't control it.

Memories that flood my heart and eyes until they overflow with droplets of salty water:

The first time I saw Jordan. I touched his cheek and thought this is our little baby. It was love at first sight.

Taking Jordan to meet his dad for lunch at Wendy's when he was about 2 years old. He was wearing white shorts and blue and white striped shirt and little keds---he was adorable with his blond hair and blue eyes. When he held his daddy's hand walking to the car, my heart melted.

Hearing "It's a girl" followed by the sweetest little cry when Sarah was born and then being able to hold her right after she was born.

Jordan picking every daffodil I had shortly after Sarah was born. He brought them to me so proudly, smiling ear to ear. It was the sweetest thing!! I think he needed some attention after his baby sister had taken some of his.

2 year old Sarah taking her dad a balloon bouquet for Valentine's Day. She had a little red plaid dress on and the balloons were bigger than she was. We had gone to his office and she ran down the hallway with the balloons waving above her head. Her expression and smile were worth a million.

I have more to write but my eyes are closing....... check back later....

Sarah graduates from Texas Tech

On April 30, 1987, Sarah Elise entered this world at 3:43 am.

Sarah graduated from MHS in June 2005.

In August 2005, Sarah began her freshman year at Texas Tech.

It hasn't been easy and this semester was particularly challenging, but she's done!!!
On Friday, May 15th, she receives her nursing pin and Saturday she graduates from nursing school. To say I'm proud is an understatement. It will be a very special weekend and I'm thrilled this day has arrived.



YEAH FOR MY BABY GIRL!!!! I love you so!!!

Crawfish and Crawfishing

please take note i wrote CRAWFISH not crayfish. i'm from the south and i don't say crayfish--that sounds a bit too proper. i say it a certain way also, sort of slow and drawn out like craaaaww fish.

I talked to my son on Sunday and he said, "Mom, I tried a new food and I LOVE IT!!" He then asked me to guess what it was. Knowing my son and how picky he is/was, I wasn't very successful cause I don't really think of him being an adventurous eater! So he ended up having to tell me he ate crawfish.



and he loved them!! he played with them. he named them. then he tore their tails off, and ate the meat. last but not least he sucked their heads. and it was good. no, not quite right---they were delicious!! this made me laugh so much. i can see my goofy and all grown up, but still my baby boy playing with crawfish and naming them and then eating them.

ugghh! can't say i care to indulge in his newly acquired food choice. his bride seemed to have more of what i feel would be my reaction to eating them. she didn't like them. i loved her description of them. she said the underneath side when cooked looked like a roach. DISGUSTING!!! can't say that i want to eat roaches.

so my son has come a long way in expanding his diet and he quite literally shocked me with this current food. i don't think i will join him in eating them though cause....

i have amazingly wonderful memories of crawfishing with my mama. you could call me a farm girl. i didn't grow up with many indulgences, but i didn't do without either if that makes any sense. here's my story that i shared at her memorial service:

I think some of my fondest memories with my mom involve the simplest things. She took delight in the small things in life. I remember her teaching me how to go crawfishing. For those of you that don’t know what a crawfish is—they are scary little crustaceans with beady little eyes and scary pinchers like lobsters.



We would go to the ditch in front of our house after a rain and we would see their piles of dirt around the hole to their house. Mom would put some salt pork or a little raw bacon on a string with a little horseshoe nail for a weight and she would drop it into the hole just a little bit. A crawfish just might slowly crawl to the top, grab the pork with their pinchers and then try to pull it back further into their hole, but then of course we would pull them out of the hole while they were still attached to the string. I would usually scream and mom would tell me to be quiet and put the crayfish in the big bucket we had brought with us. I might try to do it, but I couldn’t ever grab them though because I was terrified the pinchers would grab me. So in the end it was always Mom who put them in the bucket. We could do this for a long time and she would delight in how they scared me, but would still try to touch me with one. I remember once it rained and rained and the pasture flooded and King’s Creek overflowed. We took a long walk with our bucket and caught tons of crawfish-well maybe not tons but it looked like it to a little girl. Now you may wonder what we did with all these crawfish. Did we cook’em and eat’em? Are you kidding? Now maybe my dad and mom had eaten them at some point, but we never did. We kept them in the bucket with some water and mud for a while and then we released them and the little creatures with their beady eyes and scary pinchers would scurry happily away.

***today i can still see my mama with her rolled up pants, sleeveless button down the front white shirt, and barefeet. we're walking with our big bucket, hoping to catch some crawfish.

Jumping for Joy!

I think perhaps my dearest daughter can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. The reason being is shown above.

She does have 4 more nights of clinicals from 7 to 7, but it's actually probably 6:45 to 7:30. She had clinicals last night and she's hoping to complete 3 more by working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. WHEW!! Her last day of class is April 30th which is also her 22nd birthday and she has 2 finals that day. She has more hours of observation and a follow-up report to complete in May for a scholarship she has received. Her pinning ceremony is May 15th and GRADUATION---YES----GRADUATION is Saturday, May 16th and I don't think it can get here soon enough to give my baby girl some relief. She has worked really hard all four years in both in her studies and her jobs. She worked as a teacher's aide in summer school, a lifeguard here and in Lubbock, and she has worked at Covenant on the pediatrics floor since July of 2008. She also got the job she wanted at Children's Medical. She will work on the hematology/oncology floor. I'm proud of you sweetie!!!

ALZHEIMER'S and LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE

Alzheimer's disease destroys lives--the lives of those you love. It robs people of their loved ones long before it should. For me, it took my beloved mom in Oct. of 2007, but in reality she was gone long before she left this world physically. Visiting my mom in the special care unit for 5+ years and missing her even though she was right there with me was a struggle. It was as if we switched rolls I was now her mother and she was my baby. Even though she failed to recognize me, she always had a smile for me. Her smiles were love unspoken.

Facts about Alzheimer's Disease:

As many as 5 million people in the United States are living with Alzheimer's.

Every 71 seconds, someone develops Alzheimer's.

10 million baby boomers will develop Alzheimer's in the United States.

100% Alzheimer's disease is always fatal.

June 2008 Update: Alzheimer's disease now sixth-leading cause of death.

Do you know the signs of Alzheimer's?

In 2007, the Alzheimer's Association started a campaign and set a goal to have 5 million people take action and join the cause. They are over 3 million short of this. Please sign up .

NANA'S TEACAKES

I've thought of my mom a great deal this weekend. Today was her birthday. My mom was known for her cooking. One of the special recipes she made was her teacakes. She used to make them and serve them warm from the oven. Sometimes she would add a little pat of butter on each one. They were so delicious. My kids did something very special, so special that it makes me cry to think of it. They made dozens and dozens of Nana's Teacakes for her memorial service. I was even able to help them bake some and that made us feel closer in our time of grief. I never really told them how much their actions touched me, but it is something I will never forget.

This is my mom's recipe in her handwriting.

 

Mama and me

 

five little words--THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU

As I sit on this valentine's morn, just reading blogs and enjoying the quietness of home, I linked to the most amazing story from the Boston Globe called "Forty Years' Worth of Thanks". I hope it touches you like it did me. Please read the story also.

Happy Valentine's Day. You know today doesn't have to be about gifts or candy. It can be about being with people you love and if you can't be with them, call and tell them you love them. So often folks are afraid to say these words--I love you and thank you. Don't ever forget the power of words and how they can make you feel. They can build you up, but they can also tear you to pieces. To my hubby, my 3 kids--jordan, sarah, and kristeen--I love you more than words can say. You make me smile, laugh, and cry happy tears. Hubby, I cannot believe we have been married almost 30 years. Where has the time gone? We aren't old enough to be married that long. My kids, now all grown up and out on their own or almost there. Sarah--only 3 short months until you graduate. I'm proud of you all. My friends-I love you. Thank you for being there for the good times, but more importantly for the sad ones. You helped me so much during the years I struggled with my mom's Alzheimer's and then when my dear sweet mama passed away.

May you have a beautiful day and spend time with someone you love.